How to feel...

For those who, in the wake of the election, are struggling with processing complex emotions, here's how to feel: First, give yourself permission to feel. Trust that it’s ok and even wise to do so, and trust that you are inherently capable.

Second, make liberal use of the phrase, “Something in me feels…” Doing so creates a buffer for the psyche and nervous system. It creates space around the emotion and sensation to help avoid over identifying or mistaking one’s full experience of the spectrum of life for this one facet of emotion. The truth is, multiple feelings, realizations and truths coexist within each of us simultaneously. The louder, more consuming emotions and sensations are seeking our attention, they are attempting to communicate with us, to make us aware of something that would be beneficial for us to know. We can more safely* give them our attention by acknowledging, be it emotion or sensation, that something in me feels: angry, scared, confused, disgusted, numb, overwhelmed, sickened, sad or conversely, excited, justified, validated, hopeful, or whatever the case may be.

From there, give that something within you that feels this way your full attention, become curious about it, and willing to relate with it. It can be helpful to notice where you feel it in your body, if you are able. To support that process, speak to it. Using sadness for instance, say, ”This sadness that I’m feeling, I give you my full attention. I feel this sadness behind my eyes, and like a sharpness in my heart. I feel you, I give this sensation my full attention…” and then proceed to do so. Validate the feeling(s) with the use of the phrase, “Of course something in me feels this way, it makes complete sense that something in me would feel this way.” This is a simple act of loving compassion, care and kindness that our emotional selves are thirsty for. It's a profoundly transforming practice.

Be with the emotion &/or sensations as they arise. Allow them, observe them, without expectation, simply notice what happens, if anything. Sometimes a release occurs, sometimes tears fall, sometimes it amplifies and then subsides and gives way to a new sensation and emotion that wants your attention. Sometimes it speaks to you and gives you insight and direction. Sometimes it settles and you’re able to come back to a self in presence equilibrium state. However, sometimes the urge to run, to hit, kick or scream arises – these are emotions related to a fight or fight response. While doing so might feel cathartic, try instead to express any urge to hit, kick, run or scream through incredibly slow movements, as if you’re in a slow motion movie. If you feel the urge to run or kick, try slowly lifting one foot at a time or moving your arms slowly as if running. If something in you wants to punch, try doing so in slow motion. This completes the nervous system response without adding additional adrenaline or activation to the body, and can settle the nervous system and bring surprising sense of relief.

Utilize titration, in other words, feel in increments. Something that can be helpful for those who find feeling emotions and sensations too overwhelming is to dip your toes into emotional waters until you reach the edge of your comfort zone, and then retreat back into an awareness of a real or imagined safe space, like an ocean sunset scene or time cuddling a beloved pet. The more you practice sensing into safety and then sensing into emotions, the more you'll expand your capacity to feel your emotions and increase your emotional intelligence.

When we feel our emotions, we get to know ourselves intimately and settle our nervous systems. When we can settle our nervous systems, we can make decisions that have a higher likelihood of better outcomes. When we learn the language of emotions, they can show us the good path forward. When we learn how to lovingly listen to and relate to ourselves well, we can lovingly practice listening and relating to others, which is what our culture and society desperately needs.

I love guiding people who are mystified by emotions to learn how to feel. It's an empowering and compassionate process of relief, release, awareness, self-care, self-love and embodiment. If you’d like support, book a session with me. You can learn more about session options here.

*What I mean by safely is, I suspect that the reason so many of us suppress our emotions is because we’ve experienced the result of strongly identifying with emotions and an amplified sense of threat that has sent us into a state of fight, flight or freeze – these states, while meant to preserve us, have sometimes gotten us into heaps of unwanted trouble. Of course, we want to avoid that, therefore, it doesn’t feel safe to feel. The phrase, “something in me feels,” acts as a release valve for that emotion and reduces the potential of destructive actions that the emotional state may elicit.